[poem] before the afterparty

I pay for this party in tears and clenched chests
Like a giant weight is pressing on my back
And all around me are accusatory eyes
And people clamoring for answers when they will not give me theirs

I pay for this party in sickness and toil
I feel so alone, I can't even move forward
When did this become my responsibility?
When did this become my lone burden to bear?

I pay for this party with coldness and crying
My hands are shaking as they trip across the keys
My eyes are swollen and weak from weariness
All I want to do is sleep, sleep

I pay for this party in prayers so hollow
I cannot feel them even as they leave my lips
Yet through the haze of stress I grasp onto fading lights
If only, if only...so lonely, so lonely

I pay for this party in choked sobs and chatter
On all sides, my ears are full of the white noise
I pay with this all and the bitterness grows
And it chokes me, it chokes me, it chokes my heart

It turns my heart to stone.